One of the ideas that has been most helpful to me in my own healing work is the possibility that we each contain a diverse “internal family” of psychological parts, and that it’s when those parts are in conflict that we tend to feel stuck.” —Jessica Dore, TAROT FOR CHANGE: USING THE CARDS FOR SELF-CARE, ACCEPTANCE, AND GROWTH
Deck: TAROT OF THE DIVINE: A DECK AND GUIDEBOOK INSPIRED BY DEITIES, FOLKLORE, AND FAIRY TALES FROM AROUND THE WORLD, by Yoshi Yoshitani
For newbies: I’ve been regularly pulling tarot cards for almost two years, but I’m not even close to being able to do a reading without guidance. With that said, I’ve pulled enough cards to get a general feel for many of them. Learning to trust my intuition and determining how a particular card applies to my own life—either in the moment or historically—is a big part of my tarot process, so while I often rely on “traditional'“ card meanings, I allow myself the freedom to go where the card and my thoughts take me.
What I offer in this newsletter are some general interpretations but also interpretations that are personal to me. I invite you to put your own spin on the cards to gain meaning for yourself.
The purpose of my tarot journaling is to clear my mind of chaos so I can make room for creativity. I hope you find it useful, as well.
Five of Wands
In TAROT OF THE DIVINE, the Five of Wands signifies unity in the face of conflict. Here, it is represented by the Pandavas, a name referring to five brothers who are the central characters of the Hindu epic poem MAHABHARATA. The brothers bicker and play fight, but they also love each other, and “resolution to their strife will only come with open-minded communication.”
It’s been awhile since I pulled the Five of Wands, and I’d forgotten how much I love it. That’s a weird thing to say, given it’s a middling card in the suit that resonates with me the least. But after today’s journaling, my affinity for it makes perfect sense.
The Monster Self-Doubt
Lately, I’ve been battling self-doubt. I’ve committed to putting serious effort into this newsletter and related projects at least until the end of the year, but if possible, I’d like to extend that to six months and then see where I’m at. But as with any new venture, the voices in my head are obnoxiously taunting me. Nothing can possibly come of this, they say, so why bother at all?
Before pulling a card each day, I determine a focus. Today’s focus was: “Be wary of issues (big or small) that derail my work. Pushing through doubt is a big part of the process.”
This focus is, of course, personal to me and where I’m at today, but I’ve talked to enough writers and other creatives to know that it’s a universal problem, and it often strikes with no warning. We’re rolling merrily along, enjoying our work and being productive when, all of a sudden, self-doubt hits, and we wonder if this is all just a big waste of time.
Conflicting Thoughts and Emotions
The Five of Wands, as depicted in TAROT OF THE DIVINE, is about a group of people in conflict. But as with most cards, I usually focus internally rather than externally. Interpersonal relations are important (and the lessons of this card can and should be applied to them), but my most pressing conflicts are within my own mind.
I recently told Lori Rader-Day, a friend and one of my favorite authors, that I didn’t know why I struggle so much. “I have a few good weeks, then I hit a wall and get stalled. Rinse and repeat.”
Her straightforward response: “Because it’s hard. You can write a whole book that way, girlie, if you do the repeat part.”
I’m pretty sure Lori didn’t realize how much that simple response blew my mind. It was one of Oprah’s “lightbulb moments.” Lori (and so many other writers) talk often about how hard writing is. How hard finishing is. And I’ve believed this in theory, but I’ve also clung to the idea that somehow, it wasn’t as hard for them as it was for me, and, worse, that there was something fundamentally broken in me that prevented me from following through.
For some reason, Lori’s three words, “Because it’s hard,” hit just the right way, and I fully understood that A) it’s hard for everybody, full stop and B) That thing in me that blocks my follow-through isn’t so broken that I can’t fix it. After all, other writers do it every day.
Put another way, my conflicting thoughts and emotions are probably pretty normal. Everybody’s brain is a big fat liar when it wants to be. My problem is that I let this conflict get in my way and distract and/or derail me. Others might be better at preventing this, but it’s a challenge for everyone.
But what if it’s not just thoughts and emotions in conflict? We already know that thoughts and feelings aren’t facts, but the whole truth of our psychology is much more complex than that.
A Society of People Within Each of Us
In her entry for the Five of Wands, Jessica Dore, author of TAROT FOR CHANGE, introduced me to Internal Family Systems, a branch of therapy developed by Richard C. Schwartz. IFS observes that there are multiple psychological parts within each of us and that these parts are not just temporary emotional states or habitual thought patterns. They are each “discrete and autonomous, “as if we each contain a society of people, each of whom is a different age and has different interests, talents, and temperaments.”
If this is true, it’s no surprise that these diverse parts of ourselves might sometimes conflict. That conflict can lead to mental blocks that impede our creative process.
For too long, my strategy for combatting the conflict existing among my “internal society of people” has been to reject all parts of myself that don’t align with my goals. But simply ignoring these parts isn’t effective because they return when I least expect it and undermine any progress I’ve made.
When we’re caught up in the weeds of our minds, trying to micromanage all of our different parts, choosing sides, and attempting to ignore the rest, we become too exhausted to make any decision at all, and we get stuck.
As I wrote at the beginning of this post, the key to solving conflict between individuals is open-minded communication. Can we do that for ourselves? Welcome our many different parts and accept that they sometimes conflict? It ultimately comes down to radical self-acceptance and self-love. Knowing we are perfect as we are, but that doesn’t mean that all of our parts are healthy and that change and growth aren’t needed. When we give ourselves this grace, the part of us that does the decision-making can view the situation from a distance. Free to make decisions unencumbered by the bramble-filled corners of our minds.
I’ll leave you with this quote by Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön (h/t Jessica Dore): “You are the sky. Everything else—it’s just the weather.”
Think about it—what thoughts and feelings does the Five of Wands bring up for you?